Thursday, February 9, 2012

Wed & Thur Morn

Yesterday was a bit easier.  Frustration was still there along with facial twitches.  I also had sensitivity in my front teeth.  I've been known to have sensitive teeth before but dang, no bueno!  I just tried to take it easy last night and relax.  I iced my knee, it's still swollen from running the other day.

Today I woke up and my lower back/hip was in pain.  It's been tender for a while now but I had to stretch it for longer today.  The facial twitches and teeth sensitivity are still here.  I think today will be managable.  I think there's hope.  I'm awaiting my first hour long massage tomorrow at Dr. Abby's practice.  It's going to feel good on my skin, I can't wait!  Then I get adjusted and go downtown to pick up our race packets for saturday!  It's going to be a busy busy weekend.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Another creepy crawly day

Another day of headaches, nausea, skin crawling and fatigue.  I chatted with a lady on the ecommunity website and she just recommended I stay on this dose until the symptoms go away.  This could take forever if I do that!  I want to just feel better and feel like my normal self.  I don't want to cry in the grocery store... I don't want to be mad b/c someone can't spell correctly in their facebook post.  I just want to be relaxed and unplugged.  I have scheduled a massage and a chiro adjustment for friday.  We shall see how that goes.  The massage sounds absolutely magical.  I think that stimulation will help this creepy feeling across  my skin.

I'm really nervous as to how I'm going to handle the move next week.  It's already got me nervous about all the stuff that has to happen and in what order things need to go to make it go smoothly. 

I'm just tired.  I want to sleep here at my desk doing my work.  It's hard to focus.  I hear people talking so loud in the cubes and it makes me irritable.  That and buzzing cell phones.  It's got to get better soon.  It's got to.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Skin Crawling

Today is not a good day.

I feel like my skin is crawling and there's nothing I can do.  I feel like I need to be constantly moving but I'm sooooo tired and just want to rest.  I feel like I need to keep picking at things to make them perfect, but I'm really not doing any good.  I'm irritable.  I'm cranky.  I need to be in a safe place.  I need to curl in a ball in a tight fleece blanket and just hold myself... in a hammock.  That would make me happy.  Just rocking comfortably.  Things are going wrong at work today and some of my past mistakes are being brought to light and I just feel like I can't do anything right.  I can't focus and I can't relax.  I feel like everyone's watching and judging.  I feel like there's no where I can go to be alone.   I feel like I just want to be admitted to the hospital and just flush these damn meds out of my system.  No one tells you about the crappy stuff you have to go through to get off the meds.  It's dumb... hasn't anyone heard of a disclaimer?!?!   Ugh.  I hope this is all worth it in the end.  I hope that this uncomfortability only lasts for a short while.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Breathe... just breathe.

So it's been a few days since I've posted.  It's been a LONG few days.  The latest challenge I'm trying to overcome is weaning off some of my meds.  I've been on an anti-depressant for a bit and would like to try going off.  I'm seeing more and more that the side effects aren't really worth it and I just want to see how I do without it.  Let's be honest, I'm not anti-depressant deficient... there's something going on that was making me feel depressed.  I need to work on the overall solution rather than just masking the symptoms. 

I've been exercising more and that's been helping a bit.  Running has been messing with my knee though but I got new shoes the other day that should help remedy that situation.  Evidently I pronate a lot when I run. I went to BlueMile and got a gait analysis done.  When they slowed the video of me running on the treadmill it looked like I was trying to sprain my ankle every time I took a stride.  It was scary looking.  Well these fancy running shoes actually have a harder piece of rubber on the inside part of the sole to hopefully help me from rolling my ankle to the inside as much.  David and I went for a run today and it felt really wierd at first just getting used to them.  By the end of the run though I think I might actually be a fan.  Did I mention that they have amazingly pink accents?!?!?  They look soooo feminine and soooo intense.  I'm going to kick ass with my pink shoes!!!

Anywho... I tried my first yoga class the other day to try and help me relax and stretch and stuff and it wasn't bad at all.  I actually kinda liked it, except part of the way through the class my shoulder started hurting and I couldn't do some of the moves to their entirety.  I ended up going to my amazing chiro and they way I understood, it was like I had fallen and hurt my shoulder... but I hadn't.  I'm just special.  It still hurts today and I've been icing it and she put kinesio tape on it but it started to itch.  I took it off this morning and I had just strips of hives all over my shoulder.  I woke David up and he helped me with the cortisone cream b/c I couldn't reach it all b/c of my shoulder being hurt.  I mean I can't even sleep right b/c it hurts to put too much pressure on it.  It even hurt tonight as we were running.  Evidently I carry a lot of tension in my shoulders when I run.  Hmm.... who would have thunk? ;)

Speaking of trouble sleeping.... this weaning situation is kicking my ass royally.  It's sooooo dumb that nowadays we truly are in a pill popping society.  For EVERY ailment there's a pill you "should" take.  Let's be honest, there's no need for half this stuff.  I don't have a pill deficiency, I have stuff going on.  Let's look at the bigger picture instead of getting people hooked on these meds that are a bitch to get off of.  I'm on the second week of weaning and life is hell right now.  I've got migraines almost every day when I wake and I'm nauseated most of the day.  I'm tired all the time and I'm foggy and can't think straight.  Even today my boss talked to me about the fact that he's noticed that I'm not like I used to be.  I get that he's concerned but it makes me sad when my boss notices that I'm struggling.  Ugh.  All I'm trying to do is better my life and it seems like it's falling apart right now. I know part of that is the lack of meds talking but dang. 

Let's focus on some happy things that don't make me cry or upset nowadays:

David is a rockstar!  Tonight he said let's go run.  It was great for the two of us to just go and have some time running together.  It was refreshing and was a good burn.

Melanie is my person :)  I got to see her last night when I took a can opener over for her to borrow.  We were able to just have some one on one time and catch up.  She really is a great person.

Natalie is a wonderful long time friend.  We were able to get together this past weekend and hang out for a little while.  It was amazing to hang out and have some good laughs. 

Michaele is a great laugh!  At work EVERY DAY we find something to giggle over.  Usually it doesn't make sense to anyone else and that's the best part.  We're 12 yrs. old together and we can just see a hot dog and bust out laughing.

Our friends the Barnetts.  They are such beautiful people and it's been truly inspirational to hang out with them more recently.  They have had such a wonderful thing happen to their family and are just dealing with the aftermath of it all.  They are so strong and deserve all the good things coming their way.  They are just so funny and have such positivity coming from them.  I hope to be even just a fraction of the amazing family they are one day. 

The house... we finally set a time period to move in!!!  It's in two weeks so that gives us time to pack and finish cleaning over there.  It's sooooo close, I can almost taste it!  It's going to be utterly relaxing just to be able to have a house to call home.


Overall life isn't bad.  I just need to take a few moments to just sit back.  Breathe.  Think about the good things that we have going and just try to worry less.  Yes, bills are going to come... and keep coming, and keep coming.  But ya know what?  We have each other and the smiles and laughter.  That's what truly matter.  Damn withdrawal... I'm crying now.  Seriously, I do love where I am.  I just have to let myself live and learn.