Chapter 2013, Page 2

So last year was a lot to take in.  I accomplished a lot and learned even more that that.  I can't wait to see what this year holds.

I made my decision and 2013 is going to be the year of Organization and Saving.  I have been a hot mess at some points during this past year and I would like to remedy that.  I need to keep a lot of things in order and actually know where things are instead of taking so much time to search.

I have a lot to learn and today is Day 2.  I will be sharing memorable times along the way.  I also have started a list of things I would like to accomplish by the time I am 30.

1)  Survive
2)  Get preggers
3)  Pay off 2 credit cards

There will be more as I can think of them but as of right now I think those are a good start :)

Grateful

I am in a place where I have started to appreciate the genuine nature of my friends and family.  Sometimes it takes traumatic experiences to get into that head space but I am thankful for it.  I do truly believe that the hardships that I have endured this past year have given me the strength and courage to find myself.  I almost lost myself.  I almost got so wrapped up and scared and cowering in a dark corner... I felt so alone.  Part of it was me and I can see that now.  By allowing things to happen in my life I wasn't taking care of myself.  I wasn't respecting myself.  I wouldn't EVER make someone important in my life feel like that, so why was it ok to make myself feel like that?  The reason was, I didn't find myself important.  I felt like as long as everyone else was happy that I would be too.  That is COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT!  I have to look out for me and take care of myself before fully being able to care for those I love.  It's been a hard lesson to learn and I'm still going to make mistakes but I will keep on learning and be a better person in the process.

Tired

It's been so so so so long since I have posted. 

I am trying to find who I truly am and be more in touch with life.

I have been vegetarian  for a week.  It's been a bit difficult.  I have been craving chicken nuggets.  I can actually tell a difference in my body though and the way I am responding to outside stimuli.  It's kinda amazing.  Some days are better than others.

This whole job situation has been really special.  We found out in July that there are going to be 40 job cuts in our building but we don't know who yet.  We were supposed to find out info by Aug./Sept. and they have officially pushed the information date to the end of Sept.  It's good b/c we are guaranteed pay until then but what about after.  It's caused a lot of tension in the workplace and it's getting pretty cut throat around here.  It's kinda nerve wrecking.  People are sending anonymous notes.  It's almost like the Hunger Games... I'm going to take up archery soon, just in case ;)

Other than that, therapy seems to be going well.  We are trying to build our relationship back up.  That is going to take a while to get better than what we were.  I'm still pretty hurt and down.  The therapist says I need to work on giving myself positive affirmations every day.  I not only have to say them, I have to believe them... that will be the hard part.

Back to the daily grind.

Falling from cloud 9...

It's been a very trying time since I last posted.  David and I are going through some very difficult stuff.  I'm hurt and scared.  He's betrayed me.  My spirit is broken.  The man I pledged my life to has not upheld his pledge to me.  I trusted him with my heart and he proceeded to do what he wanted at the time. 

We started therapy this week and have a lot to work through.  We barely touched on his indiscretions and started from the beginning about how things have changed and the areas we aren't happy with.  He was pretty impressed that we have looked pretty deep into our issues and are committed to fixing and working through our issues.

I am truly scared that we won't be able to survive this.  I am scared that I am too broken.  I love him with all my heart and soul and can't hate him.  I was/am still extremely mad and hurt but if I am going to do my part to help fix us, I can't hold on to all that negativity.

David has done a lot of work over the past couple of weeks.  He's almost like a new person.  I mean he's still David but his less admirable traits seem to be fading or completely gone.  I hope this has been the eye opening experience he needed to change for the better.  I really hope it sticks.  I am cautiously optimistic...

Ehh...

I don't really know what my dealio has been recently.  I just haven't been as happy.  I've been mopey and down and irritable and just overall not the most pleasant person to be around.

I do know that part of it started after my brother's wedding.  He and his new wife jetted off to a sunny honeymoon.  Don't get me wrong, I am super happy they were able to do it.  I also know that if the hubster and I would have taken off right after the wedding we would be a mess financially right now and probably wouldn't even be in the house we are in.  I am truly thankful we are in the house.  It's been a relief for us all.  It's just I'm a little sad for us and a little sad that we are getting caught up in life and seem to be losing the two of us.  We aren't trying to romance one another anymore.  We are just making it through one day at a time.  How does one get out of this horrible mess we've made?  How do you start romancing and making time for one another again? 

The growing stages of relationships hurt and I believe that's what this is.  We are over a year into our marriage and have been together over 7 yrs.  We are still in love and need to relearn how to show what's important.

As for running I completed two half marathons within two weeks of one another and also a 5K in the middle.  During this adventure of running I have made it so it's difficult to run long distances on my right knee.  I have finally gotten around to seeing a physical therapist and she's helping me with different exercises to strengthen my core and glutes...evidently those are important to running, lol ;)

I have my third PT appt. this evening and we shall see how that goes.  My booty hurts and I know it's getting stronger but dang.  It hurts to sit and pee, but at least I know it's working :)

I really want to get away just the two of us.
Limited cell action.
Fun times and laughter.

I just want to get away...

It takes a little time sometimes...

So life has been a little special since I last wrote.  As newlyweds we have had our ups and downs.  I'm very proud that we've had more ups.  That's a personal victory on the home front.  We're learning to communicate better for the most part and that just helps a lot of different aspects. 

One of my personal struggles that I am currently dealing with is my tact.   I don't have much.  I tend to not think to much about my thoughts before I unleash them on the world and that's not a good trait to have.  I've been trying really hard to think before I open my mouth and I'm getting there but there's still a considerable amount of work to be done.  This lesson in progress also ties into the famous "choose your battles" advice.  This one is also getting better I just need to understand that you can't just expect progress overnight.  These areas of growth take time.

Today I was able to hang with a wonderful woman that I consider a good friend and is becoming a better friend.  We went to get our nails done (which is good b/c my little brother is getting married this Saturday).  She was a complete gem and spotted me until payday.  We also had a really nice sit down girly lunch and did some shopping.  We then went back to her and her family's house and just chilled and chatted with her hubster as the kids were running around and having a blast. :)  I do truly love the atmosphere in their house.  We then decided we weren't done hanging out yet and went to go see a movie.  We saw What to Expect When You're Expecting.  It definitely had some funny parts and some more serious and sad ones.  The part about the adoption scene was really difficult for her to watch b/c they have had to deal with some adoption issues recently.  It really weighs heavy on my heart b/c they are such a good family and so caring and I wish only good things would come their way.  Can't always be so though.  Until then I will keep them in my thoughts and prayers.

Getting a bit drowsy... over and out.

Update on goals for 2012

) Drive-In movie
2) Mini-marathon (May 5, 2012)
3) 5k & more
4) Honeymoon (As we come up to a year I would like to be able to go somewhere)
5) Start a joint checking account (have researched and might be better just to find a way to handle bills with our seperate accounts rather than juggling another account)
6) Try composting
7) Try Green Bean delivery service (might work out well with all my sensitivities and allergies)
8) Demi Lovato concert
9) Shooting Range
10) Change my oil by myself
11) Comedy show
12) Better understand my 401k
13) Pole Dancing (Expires in May)

So far I've been actively pursuing one of my goals with gusto :)  I ran the 15K this past weekend and I am proud that I finished.  I've been able to push myself more and more as each race goes by and I can say that I ran this race in a little over 2 hrs.  (2:09:15 to be exact!)  We shall see how much more I can grow in this area.  I think I am on the verge of hurting my knee though.  It hasn't been feeling the greatest since I ran on saturday and I have iced both the day of and the day after.  We shall see what I can do today.

I'm still a bit bummed about the revealing of food allergies and sensitivities.  How could I be so silly and know that I have issues with so many other things and think that I wouldn't have issues with food?  Anywho, dairy is the most difficult right now.  Hopefully it will ease up with time.