Grateful

I am in a place where I have started to appreciate the genuine nature of my friends and family.  Sometimes it takes traumatic experiences to get into that head space but I am thankful for it.  I do truly believe that the hardships that I have endured this past year have given me the strength and courage to find myself.  I almost lost myself.  I almost got so wrapped up and scared and cowering in a dark corner... I felt so alone.  Part of it was me and I can see that now.  By allowing things to happen in my life I wasn't taking care of myself.  I wasn't respecting myself.  I wouldn't EVER make someone important in my life feel like that, so why was it ok to make myself feel like that?  The reason was, I didn't find myself important.  I felt like as long as everyone else was happy that I would be too.  That is COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT!  I have to look out for me and take care of myself before fully being able to care for those I love.  It's been a hard lesson to learn and I'm still going to make mistakes but I will keep on learning and be a better person in the process.

Tired

It's been so so so so long since I have posted. 

I am trying to find who I truly am and be more in touch with life.

I have been vegetarian  for a week.  It's been a bit difficult.  I have been craving chicken nuggets.  I can actually tell a difference in my body though and the way I am responding to outside stimuli.  It's kinda amazing.  Some days are better than others.

This whole job situation has been really special.  We found out in July that there are going to be 40 job cuts in our building but we don't know who yet.  We were supposed to find out info by Aug./Sept. and they have officially pushed the information date to the end of Sept.  It's good b/c we are guaranteed pay until then but what about after.  It's caused a lot of tension in the workplace and it's getting pretty cut throat around here.  It's kinda nerve wrecking.  People are sending anonymous notes.  It's almost like the Hunger Games... I'm going to take up archery soon, just in case ;)

Other than that, therapy seems to be going well.  We are trying to build our relationship back up.  That is going to take a while to get better than what we were.  I'm still pretty hurt and down.  The therapist says I need to work on giving myself positive affirmations every day.  I not only have to say them, I have to believe them... that will be the hard part.

Back to the daily grind.

Falling from cloud 9...

It's been a very trying time since I last posted.  David and I are going through some very difficult stuff.  I'm hurt and scared.  He's betrayed me.  My spirit is broken.  The man I pledged my life to has not upheld his pledge to me.  I trusted him with my heart and he proceeded to do what he wanted at the time. 

We started therapy this week and have a lot to work through.  We barely touched on his indiscretions and started from the beginning about how things have changed and the areas we aren't happy with.  He was pretty impressed that we have looked pretty deep into our issues and are committed to fixing and working through our issues.

I am truly scared that we won't be able to survive this.  I am scared that I am too broken.  I love him with all my heart and soul and can't hate him.  I was/am still extremely mad and hurt but if I am going to do my part to help fix us, I can't hold on to all that negativity.

David has done a lot of work over the past couple of weeks.  He's almost like a new person.  I mean he's still David but his less admirable traits seem to be fading or completely gone.  I hope this has been the eye opening experience he needed to change for the better.  I really hope it sticks.  I am cautiously optimistic...

Ehh...

I don't really know what my dealio has been recently.  I just haven't been as happy.  I've been mopey and down and irritable and just overall not the most pleasant person to be around.

I do know that part of it started after my brother's wedding.  He and his new wife jetted off to a sunny honeymoon.  Don't get me wrong, I am super happy they were able to do it.  I also know that if the hubster and I would have taken off right after the wedding we would be a mess financially right now and probably wouldn't even be in the house we are in.  I am truly thankful we are in the house.  It's been a relief for us all.  It's just I'm a little sad for us and a little sad that we are getting caught up in life and seem to be losing the two of us.  We aren't trying to romance one another anymore.  We are just making it through one day at a time.  How does one get out of this horrible mess we've made?  How do you start romancing and making time for one another again? 

The growing stages of relationships hurt and I believe that's what this is.  We are over a year into our marriage and have been together over 7 yrs.  We are still in love and need to relearn how to show what's important.

As for running I completed two half marathons within two weeks of one another and also a 5K in the middle.  During this adventure of running I have made it so it's difficult to run long distances on my right knee.  I have finally gotten around to seeing a physical therapist and she's helping me with different exercises to strengthen my core and glutes...evidently those are important to running, lol ;)

I have my third PT appt. this evening and we shall see how that goes.  My booty hurts and I know it's getting stronger but dang.  It hurts to sit and pee, but at least I know it's working :)

I really want to get away just the two of us.
Limited cell action.
Fun times and laughter.

I just want to get away...

It takes a little time sometimes...

So life has been a little special since I last wrote.  As newlyweds we have had our ups and downs.  I'm very proud that we've had more ups.  That's a personal victory on the home front.  We're learning to communicate better for the most part and that just helps a lot of different aspects. 

One of my personal struggles that I am currently dealing with is my tact.   I don't have much.  I tend to not think to much about my thoughts before I unleash them on the world and that's not a good trait to have.  I've been trying really hard to think before I open my mouth and I'm getting there but there's still a considerable amount of work to be done.  This lesson in progress also ties into the famous "choose your battles" advice.  This one is also getting better I just need to understand that you can't just expect progress overnight.  These areas of growth take time.

Today I was able to hang with a wonderful woman that I consider a good friend and is becoming a better friend.  We went to get our nails done (which is good b/c my little brother is getting married this Saturday).  She was a complete gem and spotted me until payday.  We also had a really nice sit down girly lunch and did some shopping.  We then went back to her and her family's house and just chilled and chatted with her hubster as the kids were running around and having a blast. :)  I do truly love the atmosphere in their house.  We then decided we weren't done hanging out yet and went to go see a movie.  We saw What to Expect When You're Expecting.  It definitely had some funny parts and some more serious and sad ones.  The part about the adoption scene was really difficult for her to watch b/c they have had to deal with some adoption issues recently.  It really weighs heavy on my heart b/c they are such a good family and so caring and I wish only good things would come their way.  Can't always be so though.  Until then I will keep them in my thoughts and prayers.

Getting a bit drowsy... over and out.

Update on goals for 2012

) Drive-In movie
2) Mini-marathon (May 5, 2012)
3) 5k & more
4) Honeymoon (As we come up to a year I would like to be able to go somewhere)
5) Start a joint checking account (have researched and might be better just to find a way to handle bills with our seperate accounts rather than juggling another account)
6) Try composting
7) Try Green Bean delivery service (might work out well with all my sensitivities and allergies)
8) Demi Lovato concert
9) Shooting Range
10) Change my oil by myself
11) Comedy show
12) Better understand my 401k
13) Pole Dancing (Expires in May)

So far I've been actively pursuing one of my goals with gusto :)  I ran the 15K this past weekend and I am proud that I finished.  I've been able to push myself more and more as each race goes by and I can say that I ran this race in a little over 2 hrs.  (2:09:15 to be exact!)  We shall see how much more I can grow in this area.  I think I am on the verge of hurting my knee though.  It hasn't been feeling the greatest since I ran on saturday and I have iced both the day of and the day after.  We shall see what I can do today.

I'm still a bit bummed about the revealing of food allergies and sensitivities.  How could I be so silly and know that I have issues with so many other things and think that I wouldn't have issues with food?  Anywho, dairy is the most difficult right now.  Hopefully it will ease up with time.

A difficult day today

Today I attended the visitation of the mother of one of my co-workers.  He's 30 yrs. old and was working with his mom and fiancee on planning his upcoming wedding.  Then one day she woke up and had an aneurysm and was considered brain dead by the time she got to the hospital and was taken of life support later that day.  She passed the following day.   It's so bizarre how quickly things like this happen.  One second you are a-ok and then next you are saying hello to Jesus.  Death has been very present in the past 6 months.  I think it has made the ever present lesson of living life to it's fullest very clear.  You just never know what will happen with each moment you are given.

A rough weekend

I had a doctor appt with my amazing holistic doctor on friday morning and got the results of my delayed food allergy and food sensitivity test.  It was a lot to take in.  I should have known though given my medical history.  I didn't seem to have any outward symptoms that's why I had assumed I had magically avoided the food allergies... I thought God felt bad and said "Hey Jess, I will let you have a pass on this one".  Not so much though.  I am officially allergic to shrimp and egg whites.  I am pretty sensitive to lobster and corn.  I also have sensitivities to dairy products but that's not as bad as the others.  For now I am trying to avoid certain foods and see where that gets me.  I recently did another test that will tell how my intestines are functioning.  From the results of the food allergy test the dr. thinks I have leaky gut syndrome.  It's where there's a hole or perforation in my small intestines and some of the food that isn't completely digested is leaking into my system and my body is trying to attack... hence the immense amount of sensitivites (esp. to veggies, which shouldn't be happening).  It was a lot of infomation to take in this weekend and I have had a few breakdowns but ultimately it's good to have the info.  I've been doing things to my body without even realizing it and it's been damaging.  Now that I know, I can actively work NOT to eat those things that cause inflammation.  It's just going to be a difficult process.  But nothing worthwhile ever comes easy, right?

We officially only have one residence now!!  It's amazing.  We did what we could to finish up the apartment and decided not to have someone come in to clean the carpets b/c it wouldn't be worth it.  There was too much damage so we are going to be sent a bill.  That's going to be a bit rough but hopefully we will be able to work with the complex on a payment plan of some sort.  We're truly hoping so anyway :)

Alright, back to work for now.  Lunch break is about over.

Need to get better at this

So I've been working with my chiropractor and my massage therapist doing this technique called Craniosacral therapy.  It's really interesting and seems to be helping.  It is a method that helps your body simmer down a bit and tune into what it really needs.  I have certain areas of my body that are more jacked up than others but my body can't get a chance to fix those areas if it's always consumed with stuff like fighting dust mites and dander and molds and pollen.  My body is a busy busy bee fighting all of these things that normal people can fight.  It's tiring, let me tell you.  So that's something new I am pursuing to see if it'll help.

Saturday was the 10K training series.  6.2 miles is a long way to run.  I am proud to say I finished :)  My time wasn't as good as before but hey, I wasn't sitting on the couch and I was huffing and puffing to get my butt across that finish line.  David and Lloyd were the first two of our group to finish. Mel was next, then Natalie, then myself.  It was definitely a challenging experience and I know for a fact that the mini is going to be super hard.  It was around mile 5 that my muscles wanted to give out.  I actually looked at Natalie and said WTF are we doing?"  The mini is actually more that double what we ran on saturday so there's a lot of training that need to be done in the mean time.  The 15K is in about a month and that's 9.3 miles so we shall see how that goes.  My knee is really aggrivated but I have an appt. on thursday with the chiro :)  This doesn't seem to be the best sport for my body anymore (since I'm no longer a pre-pubescent high schooler) but it's on my bucket list so I want to be able to cross it off.  I'm actually running more now in one session that I ever have before in my life.  In high school I was a sprinter so the longest I did was a mile.  THAT seemed like a long distance at that time... little did I know, it gets much scarier than that! ;)

David and I are moved into the house and it's beautiful :)  We still have to finish up some items at the apartment.  We need to paint and clean.  We sent away our fish last night.  I cried.  Leo and Sticky were good fish.  The tank was just a lot of upkeep.  They seemed like they were happy and just swam away but it still doesn't help the feeling like we were just giving up on them.  I know, I know, they are fish but they depended on us.  We took them in and took care of them.  I hope they are well.

I have been really really weak, sore, achy... I can't seem to get the right words for how I feel but worn down is the general sensation.  It could be stress, it could be the race, it could be moving, who knows?  All I know is I am pooped and need to rest.  Maybe tonight after work I can curl up with a book and just relax. 

Wed & Thur Morn

Yesterday was a bit easier.  Frustration was still there along with facial twitches.  I also had sensitivity in my front teeth.  I've been known to have sensitive teeth before but dang, no bueno!  I just tried to take it easy last night and relax.  I iced my knee, it's still swollen from running the other day.

Today I woke up and my lower back/hip was in pain.  It's been tender for a while now but I had to stretch it for longer today.  The facial twitches and teeth sensitivity are still here.  I think today will be managable.  I think there's hope.  I'm awaiting my first hour long massage tomorrow at Dr. Abby's practice.  It's going to feel good on my skin, I can't wait!  Then I get adjusted and go downtown to pick up our race packets for saturday!  It's going to be a busy busy weekend.

Another creepy crawly day

Another day of headaches, nausea, skin crawling and fatigue.  I chatted with a lady on the ecommunity website and she just recommended I stay on this dose until the symptoms go away.  This could take forever if I do that!  I want to just feel better and feel like my normal self.  I don't want to cry in the grocery store... I don't want to be mad b/c someone can't spell correctly in their facebook post.  I just want to be relaxed and unplugged.  I have scheduled a massage and a chiro adjustment for friday.  We shall see how that goes.  The massage sounds absolutely magical.  I think that stimulation will help this creepy feeling across  my skin.

I'm really nervous as to how I'm going to handle the move next week.  It's already got me nervous about all the stuff that has to happen and in what order things need to go to make it go smoothly. 

I'm just tired.  I want to sleep here at my desk doing my work.  It's hard to focus.  I hear people talking so loud in the cubes and it makes me irritable.  That and buzzing cell phones.  It's got to get better soon.  It's got to.

Skin Crawling

Today is not a good day.

I feel like my skin is crawling and there's nothing I can do.  I feel like I need to be constantly moving but I'm sooooo tired and just want to rest.  I feel like I need to keep picking at things to make them perfect, but I'm really not doing any good.  I'm irritable.  I'm cranky.  I need to be in a safe place.  I need to curl in a ball in a tight fleece blanket and just hold myself... in a hammock.  That would make me happy.  Just rocking comfortably.  Things are going wrong at work today and some of my past mistakes are being brought to light and I just feel like I can't do anything right.  I can't focus and I can't relax.  I feel like everyone's watching and judging.  I feel like there's no where I can go to be alone.   I feel like I just want to be admitted to the hospital and just flush these damn meds out of my system.  No one tells you about the crappy stuff you have to go through to get off the meds.  It's dumb... hasn't anyone heard of a disclaimer?!?!   Ugh.  I hope this is all worth it in the end.  I hope that this uncomfortability only lasts for a short while.

Breathe... just breathe.

So it's been a few days since I've posted.  It's been a LONG few days.  The latest challenge I'm trying to overcome is weaning off some of my meds.  I've been on an anti-depressant for a bit and would like to try going off.  I'm seeing more and more that the side effects aren't really worth it and I just want to see how I do without it.  Let's be honest, I'm not anti-depressant deficient... there's something going on that was making me feel depressed.  I need to work on the overall solution rather than just masking the symptoms. 

I've been exercising more and that's been helping a bit.  Running has been messing with my knee though but I got new shoes the other day that should help remedy that situation.  Evidently I pronate a lot when I run. I went to BlueMile and got a gait analysis done.  When they slowed the video of me running on the treadmill it looked like I was trying to sprain my ankle every time I took a stride.  It was scary looking.  Well these fancy running shoes actually have a harder piece of rubber on the inside part of the sole to hopefully help me from rolling my ankle to the inside as much.  David and I went for a run today and it felt really wierd at first just getting used to them.  By the end of the run though I think I might actually be a fan.  Did I mention that they have amazingly pink accents?!?!?  They look soooo feminine and soooo intense.  I'm going to kick ass with my pink shoes!!!

Anywho... I tried my first yoga class the other day to try and help me relax and stretch and stuff and it wasn't bad at all.  I actually kinda liked it, except part of the way through the class my shoulder started hurting and I couldn't do some of the moves to their entirety.  I ended up going to my amazing chiro and they way I understood, it was like I had fallen and hurt my shoulder... but I hadn't.  I'm just special.  It still hurts today and I've been icing it and she put kinesio tape on it but it started to itch.  I took it off this morning and I had just strips of hives all over my shoulder.  I woke David up and he helped me with the cortisone cream b/c I couldn't reach it all b/c of my shoulder being hurt.  I mean I can't even sleep right b/c it hurts to put too much pressure on it.  It even hurt tonight as we were running.  Evidently I carry a lot of tension in my shoulders when I run.  Hmm.... who would have thunk? ;)

Speaking of trouble sleeping.... this weaning situation is kicking my ass royally.  It's sooooo dumb that nowadays we truly are in a pill popping society.  For EVERY ailment there's a pill you "should" take.  Let's be honest, there's no need for half this stuff.  I don't have a pill deficiency, I have stuff going on.  Let's look at the bigger picture instead of getting people hooked on these meds that are a bitch to get off of.  I'm on the second week of weaning and life is hell right now.  I've got migraines almost every day when I wake and I'm nauseated most of the day.  I'm tired all the time and I'm foggy and can't think straight.  Even today my boss talked to me about the fact that he's noticed that I'm not like I used to be.  I get that he's concerned but it makes me sad when my boss notices that I'm struggling.  Ugh.  All I'm trying to do is better my life and it seems like it's falling apart right now. I know part of that is the lack of meds talking but dang. 

Let's focus on some happy things that don't make me cry or upset nowadays:

David is a rockstar!  Tonight he said let's go run.  It was great for the two of us to just go and have some time running together.  It was refreshing and was a good burn.

Melanie is my person :)  I got to see her last night when I took a can opener over for her to borrow.  We were able to just have some one on one time and catch up.  She really is a great person.

Natalie is a wonderful long time friend.  We were able to get together this past weekend and hang out for a little while.  It was amazing to hang out and have some good laughs. 

Michaele is a great laugh!  At work EVERY DAY we find something to giggle over.  Usually it doesn't make sense to anyone else and that's the best part.  We're 12 yrs. old together and we can just see a hot dog and bust out laughing.

Our friends the Barnetts.  They are such beautiful people and it's been truly inspirational to hang out with them more recently.  They have had such a wonderful thing happen to their family and are just dealing with the aftermath of it all.  They are so strong and deserve all the good things coming their way.  They are just so funny and have such positivity coming from them.  I hope to be even just a fraction of the amazing family they are one day. 

The house... we finally set a time period to move in!!!  It's in two weeks so that gives us time to pack and finish cleaning over there.  It's sooooo close, I can almost taste it!  It's going to be utterly relaxing just to be able to have a house to call home.


Overall life isn't bad.  I just need to take a few moments to just sit back.  Breathe.  Think about the good things that we have going and just try to worry less.  Yes, bills are going to come... and keep coming, and keep coming.  But ya know what?  We have each other and the smiles and laughter.  That's what truly matter.  Damn withdrawal... I'm crying now.  Seriously, I do love where I am.  I just have to let myself live and learn.

Hot Minute.

So, it's been a hot minute since I've posted something.  Let's catch up.

On Friday we signed the lease to the house!!!  So yeah, David and I are in the process of cleaning and painting to get the house ready to move into!  It's been special and has tested us in a few places.  I am the eager beaver of us two.  I want to just move in already and work on the rest of the stuff as we are there.  David on the other hand is the calmer of us two.  He knows we need to take our time and clean and paint before moving all of our stuff and having the hassle of moving everything around to get stuff done and not ruin our things.

We made it through the paint selection process without cutting one another so that's a plus.  We have chosen some really nice hues to accent our new home :)  The one for the living room is called Silent Night.  I think it's great! 

So I think the lesson of this house project is patience... lots and lots of patience.

Feeling a bit sickly...

Still sick.  I feel asleep last night around 5pm and slept until 7:30am today.  I woke briefly to move to the couch so as not to wake David with my coughing.  After the amazing event on Friday it's made me realize that
a) I need to not let me whole body get absorbed with everything, it'll wear me down and potentially make me sick and,
b) I need to get our finances on track.

I am going to sit and re-read my Suzi Orman book, Young, Fabulous, and Broke (or something along those lines) and get our financial lives back in order.  I think the tax check will help a bit by letting me pay some stuff down.  Other than that I need a game plan.  I need to only give myself a small amount of money to spend each week as I please and then the rest needs to go HAM (Hard As a Mother-f'r) on the bills.  I see financial freedom on the horizon and I can't wait to get there!

We got the house!

...well, sort of.  We may have to play hard ball to keep it.  We've been in search of a house to rent so we can move on from apartment living.  We are ready to settle down and have a "place of our own".  It's a beautiful ranch with 3 BR, 2BA and a cute little yard and skylights and we will be able to get our washer and dryer back!  It's going to be magical.:)  The only thing is that we would like a March 1st move in day.  We've already placed our security deposit so we will have first right of refusal.  There was another couple that placed their application in the day we were approved and paid our security deposit so if they are accepted and want to move in before us, we will get a phone call.  Then we will have to decide how early we can move in and what we can afford.  I believe we're both really willing to do whatever it takes but it's nerve wrecking know that we don't definitely have it.  We shall have to just wait and see what happens.

Due to this lovely development of the house I am going to cross the Green Bean delivery service off my list and replace it with figuring out what those Chinese floating lanters are about and doing one for myself.

I do truly believe this is going to be a great year. I've been training for the mini-marathon and aside from losing a few toenails it's going well :)  I am going to do it.  I will have to walk partially during the race but I will complete it and get a medal!  I can't wait!

I would also like to get more on top of finances this year.  Especially after being on edge about the house.  I was nervous we weren't going to get it b/c of our financial situation.  It's bad but we're going to get there.  One way or another.  It's going to be rough, but we will thrive!

Starter List

I've started making a list for 2012.  About two years ago a friend told me that she doesn't do resolutions she's makes it a year of something.  I have borrowed this concept and it's seemed to work VERY well for me.  A little theme to reflect on when making decisions or just throughout the day. 

2010 - Year of HONESTY
2011 - Year of SELF-DISCOVERY
2012 - Year of SELF-MENDING and ADVENTURE  ( I couldn't decide so I figured two wouldn't hurt)

This year I am going to focus on repairing my mind, body, and soul... and have fun while doing it.  I've been a sick little kiddo most of my life and I'm finally on the path of bettering myself.  I've found a holistic doctor and she's a gem.  We've already figured out part of my issues and are working to figure out some of the rest.  Alright, enough babbling... here's the list so far

These are not in any specific order...

1) Drive-In movie (been to some before but they are fun and I want to do it again)
2) Mini-marathon (I've signed up, now to train and complete)
3) 5k & more (I've done 2.5 5k's and want to keep it up on the way to the mini)
4) Honeymoon (As we come up to a year I would like to be able to go somewhere)
5) Start a joint checking account (for bills and such)
6) Try composting (I think this is a great idea and would like to try once we start renting a house)
7) Try Green Bean delivery service (heard from people it's awesome, plus it'll make me eat more fruits/veg)
8) Demi Lovato concert (tried to go with BFF last year and didn't work out)
9) Shooting Range (I would like to know how to properly shoot a gun)
10) Change my oil by myself (I would like David to teach me and supervise, of course)
11) Comedy show (Laughing is good for the soul and we all need more of it)
12) Better understand my 401k (I religiously place money in it, why not understand why)
13) Pole Dancing (I have a LS deal for an exercise place, I hear it's amazing)

So far that's what I have.  Sounds like a good time to me.